Never Broken
by DiamondFyre1
Summary: Kagome reflects on her feelings for Inuyasha and his relationship with Kikyo. One shot songfic to the song


Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha or the song "Hands". A/N: OK well... I saw a REALLY REALLY REALLY good Inuyasha music video for the song "Hands" by Jewel..so I did what I always do. I looked up the lyrics to the song and saw immediately WHY they had chosen that song, I thought it described Kagome's feelings almost perfectly. I decided to take a short break from updating my chapter fic to write this little one shot songfic describing Kagome's feelings toward Inuyasha...and Inuyasha and Kikyo. This is NOT a Kikyo bashing fic of any sort, nor is it one of those "Kagome despises Kikyo and wants her dead" fics. Both of those annoy me to no end so I don't write em. Please review! If youre a member at animemusicvideos.org then this video is by Fate Bringer..just search her up (she has a lot of good inukag vids)  
  
Anyway..this fic occurs just after episode 48..preferably the night or two after Kagome comes back to stay with Inuyasha. For those of you who haven't seen the episode it might not make much sense but it isn't hard to figure out what happened. I realize there's a part in here from episode 52 but deal with it. It's one of my favorite scenes so I had to put it in. Pretend there was a time warp or something lol  
  
She walked toward the woody clearing, a bucket thumping against her chest from where it lay cradled in her arms. She could still hear the others talking from where she had just left, and there was nothing unusual about their topics of conversation. Naraku, the shards, Miroku grabbing onto some unsuspecting woman's butt earlier that morning, the usual. They hadn't noticed anything unordinary upon her return only hours before. Things were the same as they always had been. She liked it that way.  
  
Upon reaching the stream she pulled the bucket from her grasp and made to dunk it in the serene blue water. She stopped even before she had even started to take in the scenery around her. She shut her eyes tightly to rid herself of the memory from only a few days ago. Oh yes, she recalled this site as if she had seen it only yesterday. Heck...she HAD seen it only yesterday!  
  
It was here that she had watched it happen from behind a tree that stood just a slight distance away from where she now knelt. She had watched as the other girl had awoken from her slumber, and she had watched as he had penetrated her sad gaze with his. She had watched him speak the sweet words that had lingered in the air for only moments, and she had watched her cold response. She had watched as he pulled her into a tight hug, promising things that she herself would have given anything in the world to hear. And when he put his arms around the girl who looked so much like herself, a new emotion triggered in her heart. It wasn't petty jealousy like she had felt a few times before when her look-alike was near, this was something different. And it hurt more then anything had ever hurt her before. In that moment she felt her heart shatter into a million broken, tiny pieces, and she felt a small part of her she never knew existed cry out from within her. She had watched as the other girl spoke her parting words and flew off into the moonlit night, the picture of poise and grace. She was a haunting, myseterious kind of beauty. And she had watched as his gaze switched to match her own, saying so much without saying a word. And she had fled from him.  
  
Tears pricked the corners of her eyes at the memory, and she wiped them away with a soft brush of the hand. She tried desperately to think of something else, but all her mind could concentrate on was him...and Kikyo.  
  
She didn't harbor any contempt toward the deceased priestess, because she understood her feelings. Kikyo rightfully deserved to be with him after all. She had gone through so much more then she herself ever had, or ever hoped to. She knew that Kikyo wasn't evil inside, only a sad, lonely woman who had gone through so much undeserving pain. Being brought back on her hatred alone hadn't done much to ease that pain, and Kagome's heart went out to her a bit. She understood and couldn't hate her no matter how badly she wanted to. It wasn't right.  
  
If I could tell the world just one thing  
  
It would be that we're all OK  
  
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful  
  
And useless in times like these  
  
They had patched things up as far as he and the rest of the group were concerned. The whole incident was over and done with and needed no remembering. She was no different from them. She harbored no angry feelings toward him, she could never stay angry at him for long. But she also knew she could never forget the pain that she experienced that starry evening. She would have given anything to have slept just a little bit longer, to have kept herself from seeing the exchange between them and never have to experience the emotional trauma her cursed heart had put her through that evening. Her heart had bled for him that night, and the tears had coursed down her cheeks like rain. She had wondered how something as beautiful as love could be so painful. After all, she had never experienced true heartbreak before.  
  
But she would not allow herself to wallow in her own self pity for long. She was not a depressing person by nature, if anything she was quite the opposite. She recalled something she herself had said to Inuyasha, if only in her mind. She wanted him to laugh and have fun, to live his life to the fullest. She wanted him to be happy. And she knew she should try to be the same.  
  
I won't be made useless  
  
I won't be idle with despair  
  
After all, she knew he cared about her at least a little, even if he didn't show it at all. She wasn't exactly sure of the extent of his feelings, but she knew he cared for her, as a friend if nothing else. She had to stay strong and keep herself positive, for him if for nobody else. He was the darkness in her light, but he was also the light in her darkness. She'd keep smiling, and eventually she would the pain in her wounded heart would ease a bit. She could overcome the heartbreak.  
  
I will gather myself around my faith  
  
For light does the darkness most fear  
  
She dunked the wooden bucket into the refreshing cold water, scooping it up and back into her arms. She should go back and deliver the water to the others, to drink if nothing else, though she suspected it would be used to make ramen. It often was. She let her mind drift back off, unaware of the world around her. She couldn't hate Kikyo, that much she knew, but she did feel just a tiny bit resentful of the miko. She harbored a mysterious type of grace that she herself had never possessed. Her speech was cool, calculating, and sensible. She wasn't a dreamer the way Kagome herself was often accused. She was more down to earth, not bothering herself with any petty fantasies. But she was also kind, generous, and a bit lonely if nothing else. Before death, she really had been nothing short of perfection.  
  
But it was this that Kagome loved about her, though sometimes it bothered her to think that her and Inuyasha may very well have been the perfect couple. She tried not to think about their old relationship much, all it did was tug at her emotions a little bit more. Even though Kagome herself shared a few personality traits with Kikyo, she really was quite different. It calmed her a bit to know that while she may have been the reincarnation of the priestess, they weren't the same person at all. If only Inuyasha could understand that. She peered at her reflection in the shallow water and saw that her face mirrored an expression of sadness that she fortunately didn't have the displeasure of seeing very often. The melancholy look made her features look more similar to Kikyo then ever. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the expression. She knew exactly who she was. Even if she wasn't sure whether or not he understood, she knew that she was not Kikyo. Maybe her reincarnation, but not the woman herself. Her heart was nothing short of her own. She was Kagome, and nobody's opinion could change it.  
  
My hands are small, I know  
  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
  
And I am never broken  
  
She thought back on her relationship with Inuyasha. So many emotions could be associated with her thoughts on the hanyou. Anger, annoyance, jealousy, pity, heartache, sadness, and...love. And she didn't have to think twice to know which one was strongest.  
  
She knew Inuyasha had enough troubles as it was without trying to choose between her and Kikyo. She knew that Inuyasha's life had been full of sadness and loneliness, and that his share of painful experiences could outdo hers any day. She recalled the time Inuyasha's demon blood had taken over for one of the first times, but for once it was useful for the group. Their lives had all been in danger, but thanks to Inuyasha their moth demon enemy had been slain and they would all come out of the experience with their lives. Sesshomaru had helped too, Kagome remembered. She was sure the dog demon was going to kill his hated hanyou brother, but instead he had saved him, saying that killing him while he couldn't control himself wasn't pleasurable. She suspected there was more to it then Sesshomaru let on, but she didn't bring herself to question him.  
  
She remembered how, directly after that incident, the villagers had feared Inuyasha, telling their children to stay away. She remembered the look that had appeared on the hanyou's face, a pitiful expression of pain and loneliness that resembled nothing less then a bleeding heart. She remembered how he had yelled at her later, protesting that he didn't care at all, that in fact he had enjoyed the whole incident. She remembered how she had silently comforted him, resting her head and hands on his shoulders. She remembered how he had closed his hand over hers, and they had stayed there in silence feeling comfortable in one another's presence. She understood him like almost nobody else had ever been able to.  
  
Poverty stole your golden shoes  
  
But it didn't steal your laughter  
  
Her comforted thoughts took another sharp turn. Nobody could read him the way she could, except for one other person.  
  
Kikyo...  
  
His thoughts never strayed from her for long, and ironically that was the very reason that her own thoughts couldn't either. A silent tear trickled down her cheek. For so long now she had been with Inuyasha, always by his side but never with him. It hurt her so much inside to think that to him, she would never be anything more then Kikyo reborn. It had been slowly chipping away at her inside for a few days now. She yearned for his love, she had handed him her heart and soul on a silver platter. He had taken it, but he had rejected it as well. She didn't anything from him except one thing, and it was that one thing that he could never give her. His love.  
  
She cupped her hands into the cool water, letting it tickle her fingers for a moment. She had been crying again, but this time only letting the tears rest in her heart and never straying to her face. She couldn't afford to let him see the sadness in her eyes. Not five minutes ago she had resolved to forget the whole ordeal and move on right? But she knew it wasn't that easy. The heartache she had gone through wouldn't leave her so shortly, but eventually she'd move on. Time heals all wounds doesn't it?  
  
And heartache came to visit me  
  
But I knew it wasn't ever after  
  
She turned her thoughts into another direction, still one that involved the hanyou who was become quite a regular in her thoughts. She remembered every moment with him, from when the two had first met to the moment minutes ago when he had yelled at her to hurry up with the water so she could warm his precious meal. She found it ironic that he was the man she had chosen to love, the person that she was willing to give her very life for. He should have been the last person that she would even consider a love interest, he had given her every reason to hate him.  
  
She recalled their first meeting, which was about the most unromantic way to meet a guy that she could possibly think of. He was pinned to a tree with an arrow, she had pulled it out, and then he had turned on her and tried killing her. Once Kaede had rendered that particular goal useless with the enchanted rosary, he tried more subtle attempts to get the jewel from her and rid himself of her presence for good. They fought almost every other time they were within ten feet of each other, even now when they had grown quite close to one another. He triggered every possible annoyance within her, he was rude to her, spiteful to her, arrogant to her, and even possessive of her (which annoyed her to no end. Why should it matter if some wolf likes her, it's not like he should have any reason to care. How fair is it that she should have to suffer heartache from his indecisiveness and then watch as he tries to kill any guy who comes within twenty feet of her?). He'd been the cause of her pain and annoyed her more then she'd ever thought possible.  
  
But that wasn't his only side. Sure he was rude, arrogant, possessive, annoying, overbearing, violent, and had a knack for saying the worst things at the worst possible times. But he had a reason for acting the way he did. His life had never been easy, and he had been forced at a young age to deal with the harsh realities of prejudice and loneliness. He had been taught to trust no one and hate them all. Inside he was just a lonely man who needed nothing more then a caring and true friend. He was a gentler person who cared deeply for those close to him and hated those who wanted to hurt them. He was loyal, caring, trustworthy, and even...loving? Even if his way of showing it may have been different from anyone she'd ever met, she still knew he had a beautiful heart inside. And it was that side of him that made her fall for him before she could even fathom what was happening, or stop it from occurring altogether.  
  
They argued a lot. A LOT. But as annoying as he got, she knew she could never stay angry at him for long. No matter what he did, no matter how angry or upset he made her, she could never stay away from him for long. She always returned to his side, preparing to stay with him for as long as he'd allow her there. If anything, their fighting only helped them to grow closer.  
  
We'll fight, not out of spite  
  
For someone must stand up for what's right  
  
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice  
  
There ours shall go singing.  
  
She remembered how she had tried to deny any feelings for him in the beginning. She supposed it had started the night where he had turned human for the very first time. He was sure that she would run and save herself, but instead she stayed, putting her own life in danger to save him. And afterwards, when he was wounded, he had repaid her by asking to rest on her lap. She had felt a bit awkward but agreed, and in his usual bumbling way he had offered her a small compliment. Even though you smell good is not generally what you say to people when you're within inches of your life and in grave danger, she knew he meant well. Maybe that's when it started, but she hadn't felt much by that point.  
  
She remembered when Kikyo had been brought back to life, and the pain he had obviously gone through at the hatred she had displayed toward him. Her heart had reached out to him, and she understood then that his rude front was nothing more then a mask for the emotional trauma he went through inside. Her opinion of him had grown a little by this point, but to her the feelings were nothing more then a bit of pity.  
  
She remembered when, much later, he had decided it was much too dangerous for her to remain in the feudal era. After a deadly battle had taken her toward the well and pulled her into a deep hug. She had been so naïve and confused, she couldn't understand what was happening or WHY it was happening. She had allowed herself to enjoy the moment and remembered the strange sadness she had felt when he left her arms only to throw her back down the well with the jewel in his hands. She knew it was only for her own good, but she still felt somewhat betrayed. She remembered the mixture of emotions she had gone through while back home, trying to deny that she even cared if she saw him again. She remembered how relieved she had felt when she found out he was, in fact, alive and how she had rushed into his arms.  
  
She remembered her first encounter with Kikyo, when her incarnation paralyzed her and forced her against the trunk of a tree, making it impossible for her to move. She remembered having to watch Inuyasha admit to Kikyo that he still loved her, that he hadn't stopped thinking about her for a day. She watched as she kissed him and as he agreed to her request to "stop time" for them. She had watched as Kikyo tried to take him down with her to hell, and she remembered the unfamiliar emotions she felt tugging on her insides, and the fear that she would lose him forever. She had it pretty bad by this point, though she denied she was feeling anything. She felt an enormous relief when her call had finally awoken him to the fact that she was there, and an unexplainable happiness when he had broken himself from Kikyo to free her from the auburn tree trunk.  
  
Yes, so many things had happened between the two of them, but nothing had affected her so much as the night she saw him promise himself to Kikyo. The picture he created embracing Kikyo in the moonlight while her soul catchers framed their forms exactly was nothing short of perfect. They WERE perfect, and she felt like nothing more then a silly, naïve third wheel. She didn't belong in the picture with them, with him. She didn't belong with him at all. She had been fooling herself to think for a moment that they even had a chance together. Her heart had been stained, that much she knew, and the stain wasn't going to come out soon.  
  
My hands are small, I know  
  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
  
And I am never broken  
  
It would fade though, eventually. For what seemed like the umpteenth time she vowed to move on, to be there for Inuyasha in any way she could even if she couldn't be there as his. If that's what fate had in store for the two of them then she would accept it. She wouldn't think about the time that may come eventually, the time where he wouldn't be there with her. She couldn't bare to think about that, and so she'd put it out of her mind for now. She'd be content with him for as long as it could possibly last and she wouldn't waste a minute of their treasured time together. She'd be there to pick him up when life was cruel to him and help him through the hard times. She owed him that much at least.  
  
In the end only kindness matters  
  
In the end only kindness matters  
  
Besides, their journey hadn't ended yet. She felt her usual optimism returning to her. Nothing had been set in stone. Inuyasha wasn't burning in hell at this moment (unless something BIG happened in the last five minutes), and there was no absolute guarantee that he would be. She wouldn't force him to stay with her, and she wouldn't put a fight if he decided to leave her. But he hadn't left yet, and until he did there would always be hope to lead the way for her. Hope...and love.  
  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
  
"Kagome, hurry up! You've been gone for almost half an hour! How long does it take to get a damned bucket of water? I know you have the mental capacity of refried beans, but really, it's not that hard!"  
  
Normally such a thing would have set Kagome's temper off the deep end, but not today. Her reflections in the past few minutes would keep her in a relatively good mood, at least for awhile. It was how she liked herself best. She wondered idly how he knew what refried beans were, but she dismissed it. Some questions are better left unasked.  
  
"Coming Inuyasha!" she squealed, a soft grin lighting up her face. She ran toward him, the bucket thumping against her side and spitting water over its edges.  
"Damn, you're weird," he shook his head at her, then turned to head back to camp. Without a word or a thought, she linked her arm through his, and felt her heart soar when he didn't remove it. A few stars glittered above them as the sun began to gradually set over the horizon. She looked back up at the hanyou whose usually scowling face actually seemed...content. She smiled again, remembering their precious memories together and looking forward to the memories yet to come.  
  
As long as there are happy times...  
  
My hands are small, I know  
  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
  
And I am never broken 


End file.
